Unfair!

"The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair." ~ Be My Escape by Relient K

I would be lying if I told you that there was never a time when I thought that God was unfair. Ilang beses ko nang na-question si God about the things in life – in this world – that seems not quite fair.

Nabalik yung thoughts na yun noong mauwi ako ng Baguio recently.

Even now, nasesense ko pa din yung bigat ng pakiramdam over an incident I encountered with my sister.

Sa mga hindi nakakaalam, I have a sister named Janna Rica Alonzo – si Bebang. She's eleven years old. And she's adopted – that fact is actually an open secret. Ask her directly, and if she's in the mood and she's comfortable enough with you (which is most likely, because she tends to be comfortable with everyone), she'll give you the full play-by-play kung paano siya naging isang Alonzo.

Pwede ko ilathala ang lahat ng details kung paano siya naging part ng family namin. Pero I won't. Masyadong mahaba. Masyadong madrama.

For the purpose of this blog, all you need to know is that hindi nakakalakad si Bebang. Nakuha namin siya at 1 year old and 9 months and from that time – even after two major surgeries and hours and hours of physical therapy – up to now, hindi pa rin siya nakakalakad.

Naniniwala ba kami na makakalakad pa siya? Oo naman.

Pero ngayon, naka-wheelchair si Bebang.

Over the past few years, naging issue ang hindi paglakad ni Beb. Tuwing uuwi ako ng Baguio, hindi mawawala na pagsabihan ko siya na mag-diet para pumayat at mas makapag-exercise. Hindi mawawala na pagsabihan ko siya na laging ipag-pray na makalakad siya. Hindi mawawala na i-remind ko siya na hindi laging mabubuhat siya ni Daddy, at pag dumating ang araw na yun at hindi pa rin siya makalakad, pano na? Dun na lang siya sa bahay forever?

To you, it may seem that I'm being insensitive and mean to my sister. I, on the other hand, didn't see it that way. My point was to drive it in to her mind that if she wanted to walk, she had to do something about it. It wasn't going to happen magically. I wanted her to desire it and really strive toward it – something na hindi ko nakikita sa kanya kasi hindi pa din siya mapigilan sa pagkain at hindi pa rin nage-effort mag-practice sa paglalakad.

Sunday night, I was in Baguio, and my sister and I had a discussion. Matinding usapan ito. Makabagbag-damdamin. Nakakapagod.

Actually, mahabang kwento. Basta ang dating is sinabihan ko siya ng something like this: "Walang pupuntahan 'tong usapan natin. Pumasok ka sa kwarto, kausapin mo muna si God, tapos usap tayo pag ok ka na."

Nag-away kasi sila ni Mama. Ako yung mediator. Eh paikot-ikot na lang sila. Kaya yun.

Sumunod naman ang Bebang. Pumasok sa kwarto at humagulgol. Rinig na rinig naming yung mga sinabi niya kay God.

Pagod na siya. Nahihirapan na siya.

"I did my part naman, pero bakit hindi pa din ako nakakalakad?"

A lot of the things she said on her prayers were things na hinding-hindi ko maisip sabihin kay God noong 11 years old ako. Ang mga linyang, "Pagod na ako. Nahihirapan na ako," ay mga katagang nasabi ko lang kay God noong independent working girl na ako (meaning, uh… now).

Noong nahimasmasan na si Janna, pinuntahan niya ko sa kwarto nila Dad. May meeting sa church si Mama at Papa noon kaya kami lang ni Beb ang nag-usap.

Marami kaming napag-usapan. Here are some snippets from our conversation:

---

"Did you really do your part?" Tanong ko sa kanya.

"I prayed naman eh." Sabi niya.

"Nag-diet ka ba? Nag-exercise ka ba?"

<Pause> "Minsan."

"So did you really do your part?"

"Ewan ko."

"Bebang, whether you admit it or not, you didn't do your part. Naghihintay ka na magka-miracle at bigla ka na lang makapaglakad nang wala kang ginagawa."

"I admit it. Ganun na nga."

"Di pwedeng ganun. Walang mangyayari sayo. Kailangan you do your part."

---

"Di mo kasi ako naiintindihan eh." – Bebang

"Hindi nga. Not completely. Si God lang ang fully na makaka-intindi sa 'yo. Pati sa akin."

"Eh bakit sabi ni ate Maean 'she understands me' daw?"

"Palagay mo pag nakita niya ung mga reaction mo kanina, maiintindihan niya kung bakit ka nagka-ganun?"

"Hindi."

"Si God lang makakaintindi sa 'yo – sa kahit kanino – ng buong-buo."

---

"Pag kasi nalaman nila na adopted ako, ok lang sa kanila na asar-asarin ako."

"Walang kinalaman 'yun sa pagiging adopted mo. Mapang-asar lang talaga ang mga bata. Inaasar rin nila ako noong bata ako. Na-bully din ako noon. Ang iba lang is kung inaasar ka nila na ampon ka. Pag ganun, isumbong mo sa akin o kaya kina mama."

---

"KSP kasi ako. Kulang sa pansin. Hindi na kasi ako cute. Malaki na ako. Kaya trinatry ko na lang i-appreciate sila para mapansin nila ako. Pero I mean it naman. Ayoko kasi na mapagsabihan na nambobola lang ako."

---

I can empathize with Janna. My heart goes out to her.

And even I am asking God the same questions that she is asking.

Bakit ganun? He's all powerful, loving, kind and merciful. One word from Him, makakalakad na si Janna. Why? Why doesn't He just make her walk?

Another thing… Why is it that, even in her young age, she needs to come into terms with realities that most only fully grasp in their adulthood? Realities like the necessity to become dependent on God? Realities like the fact that there are times when no one will understand you – only He can? Realities like situations where there are seemingly no answers to your most heartfelt questions and it is only your faith that you have a good and loving God that will carry you through?

She's eleven years old and it seems unfair that she's going through all these things – this early in life.

I know that all of this will make sense someday. Janna will grow up to be a living testimony of God's grace one way or the other.

But today, it just feels heavy. And sad. And hard. And well… unfair.

*Oh, the horror! Gasp!*

I have done the unthinkable. Oh yes. Indeed I have.

Ok. It's not really as "unthinkable" as my inner drama queen is trying to put it, but for a TV addict like me, it's a big step. The moment I got home from the Manila Proclamation of Jubilee Conference last night, I went straight to PPC's reception desk and requested that they remove the television set from my room. *Oh, the horror! Gasp!*

"Pwede naman, ma'am," the very nice reception guy told me. "Kailan? Gusto niyo patanggal na natin bukas?"

I smiled. "Maaga pasok ko bukas eh. Tapos late na rin ang dating ko. Di ba pwedeng ngayon na?"

"Bakit niyo papatanggal, ma'am?"

I gave him a big grin. "Para po 'di na 'ko manood. Hehe…"

"O sige po." Then and there, the very nice reception guy called up the maintenance dude and we went up to my room and they took the TV set away.

The room felt so quiet. I stared at the now empty space where the TV used to be. My first thought was "Wow. Ang daming alikabok."

My second thought was "Pwede kong gawin plantsahan yung patungan ng TV. Ayos."

Then I went to sleep na, so I could wake up early.

oOo

Normally, I would expect withdrawal symptoms to occur after a while, considering that the first thing I do when I get home is switch the TV on. It's also the first thing I do in the morning. It's kind of like my clock. Kapag tapos na ang The Daily Ten sa ETC, ibig sabihin late na ako. But it's strange… I don't feel sad at all that I'll no longer be able to watch my favorite TV shows. I feel like I've been set free. Wala na akong distraction. Along with the TV set went all the trash that comes with it – the trash that can pervade one's mind during moments of vulnerability.

*Big smile.* *Wide grin.* *Starts singing.*

Thank God I'm Free!!!!!!! Oh yeah!!!!

 

Boys. Girls. Ugh.

Waiting…

To start this bundle of sporadic rants disguised as a blog post, I would like to quote a line from the song "Princes and Frogs" by Superchick:

"Some boys will become men. Just don't kiss us 'til then."

oOo

"Naiinis ako na nasasaktan niya ako nang hindi man lang niya alam."

How many times have I heard that tearful line from several of my girl friends? How many times have I uttered that same line? (Once actually. Okay… maybe twice. So not the point.)

The reason I mention it is that it paints the guy as totally clueless and dense and it paints the girl in a rather pathetic light. The feeling that comes with those words is excruciating – makes you want to rip out the part of your heart that feels (don't go all biological on me and start talking about the hypothalamus).

And the thought that the guy is totally oblivious of it and is living in some sort of la-la land makes it even more painful, and, in some cases, rather humiliating.

Getting a text message from a friend of mine that said those exact words made me want to rattle the guy's head at an attempt to shake some sense out of it. But really… what is there for a girl to do in this case? Wait? Freak out? Cry? Attack the dude? Find a band-aid for their oh-so-wounded heart?

Dratted hypothalamus. X_X

oOo

Do you remember what being in high school was like? Do you remember all the boy-craziness that came with being a high school teenager?

I remember. But dang… I'm desperately trying hard to forget!

oOo

I've often wondered if boys actually have a concrete idea what effect they have on girls. That thought would normally be followed by "Siguro naman alam nila… They just don't care."

Unless it's a girl they care about.

oOo

Wala naman talagang kwenta 'tong blog na 'to. Gusto ko lang mag-vent. Kasi naman eh… napapaligiran ako ng mga heart-broken. O.O

I've said this before. I'll say it again. I don't get men. Even more than that, I don't get boys. Most of all, I don't get men who act like boys... especially when it comes to things that matter.

oOo

While writing this blog, my playlist moved to another Superchick song – Wonder If She'll Get It. Super aliw ng chorus ng song na 'to…

This time I know it's true love! He is the one that I've been waiting for. I promise to love him forevermore. I have waited my whole life for the day I am his. I just know he's the… Wonder what his name is.

Girls. *rolls eyes*. Oi.

oOo

Boys and girls. And all the issues that come in between before they get to the part that says Man and Woman, Husband and Wife.

"Oh, Lord… spare me all the unnecessary drama."

Rant over. Usap na lang ulit kami ni God.

…still waiting.

A Bat Barakah, a Sunday Sermon & an Encounter with God – My Weekend @ Home

Wow. What a weekend.

This was one of those weekends at home that make me wish I didn't have to go back here in my metropolitan jungle, but yeah… I'm here. I'm back in Metro Manila. Where I'm supposed to be. Yei.

oOo

Sarah's Bat Barakah was a definite highlight this weekend. It was like a reunion with elementary classmates/schoolmates. It was shocking to realize that the Energizer bunnies disguised as lively little kids running around "center" were now all grown up. It was a friendly reminder that yes… indeed, I am now an adult, and apparently, so are they! Kids who are five years younger than me are now adults. O.O Somehow, part of me was fully expecting them to remain as kids.

On a long side note, I have to mention this… I have to love my hometown, La Trinidad. I've been looking for a proper outfit to wear to Sarah's birthday, but couldn't bring myself to buy the 1K+ skimpy dresses that I see here in Manila, so I figured I'd just rent a gown when I get home. Apparently, wearing a gown would be over-dressing, so I hit Tiong San. I was expecting to get a dress for around 500 pesos.

My goodness. The dress cost 235 pesos. And my shoes, which I so incredibly love (but will probably never be able to wear again because my dad convinced me in not-so-kind words that I looked freakishly tall in those heels) was at a whopping 210 pesos. Ha! Beat that.

Of course, I didn't get to wear just the dress, because my dad was convinced that anything above the knee is way too short and I have to admit that, considering my height, the dress was way above the knee. I ended up wearing skinny jeans under the dress and I swiped my mom's coat from her closet. (To everyone who liked the coat, I'm sure my mom likes it too. ;) Voila! Outfit complete. All under 500 pesos. *Wild applause.*

Back to the Bat Barakah… The whole event kicks you to nostalgia mode. Everything about it brings back memories. Sarah, now a blooming young lady, was gorgeous. The dance that she and her younger brother, J.D., choreographed and performed was nothing short of inspiring (and brought back memories of friends who before used their gifting in that area). The song that she composed and sang was absolutely beautiful. (JMPM album anyone?)

The entire event had a warm atmosphere about it. It really gave me a sense of family… of home. While I love the family that I have here in Manila, nothing quite beats home.

To top the whole thing with a cherry, I had a particularly interesting blast from the past. It was an unexpected surprise seeing an old crush of mine. I was actually surprised at how anxious his presence there made me feel. It was like he showed up just to remind me, "Hey, there's someone in this world who's as good-looking as I am. Don't forget that you have a crush on me. Buh-bye now." Then he weaves out of my life and I'll be lucky to see him again in the next 5-10 years. I gush – just like any high school crush would make me do – then I just kind of pick up and move on. (That's over-simplifying the whole thing, but going into detail would deserve its own blog, so let's leave it at that.)

Anyway, great night. Everyone looked great. Everything was great. Great. Great. Great.

Sarah, you're a woman! A beautiful one at that. Cherish your parents' blessing. Even more than that, seek it.

Ate Georgette, amazing job decorating the place. Three words: Interior. Design. Career.

Ate Jellaine and Ate Steph, I really appreciated the conversations – short as they were, I found them quite meaningful. ;)

Shannah, Hannah, Nicky and Coureen, looking great as usual ha.

Nadine, I love that I saw you in a dress! You look really really pretty!

Cysar and Alvin, bagay niyo ang naka-formal – mukha kayong kagalang-galang.

To all the GLA alumni there, wow. Yun lang. Wow.

Kuya Danny, grumaduate ka na! Para makapag-Starbucks na tayo! (I won't stop saying it until I actually get it. Haha…)

oOo

Hearing Ate Melyn speak again really moved me. It was as if she was echoing the very words that God has been trying to get through my thick skull – "Seek Him. Seek Him first. And all will follow."

The message that Ate Melyn shared to us and seeing their beautiful family again proved to be an inspiration – not only to me, but to so many of us. Their lives truly show what life is like when lived within God's will. Their presence has been a blessing and an assurance of God's call in my life.

oOo

Monday night – Kuya Albert led the worship, and that worship service will probably be one of my most memorable. I once again had an encounter with my good, loving and merciful Savior. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness.

If anything, this weekend revived my dwindling desire to pursue my First Love – my God. It was a reminder of what was important, a reminder of the things that I truly valued. I get distracted by everything that is going on in my life, by everything that I need to do, that I want to do.

This weekend gave me room to re-evaluate my life, to seek guidance from both my Father in heaven and my father here on earth. I feel like I'm once again back on track and that feels awesome.

It's great to be serving a constant, never-changing, loving and merciful God.

oOo

To end on a light note, here's an exchange of words I had with my dad while we were waiting for a taxi to take me to the bus station:

Me: "Dad, bakit 'di mo matanggap na 5'6" lang ako?"

Dad: "Anak, bakit 'di mo matanggap na 5'7" ka?"

Ayos. Gandang usapan. Ang katapusan niyan is my dad still thinks I'm 5'7". I still think I'm 5'6". My last medical checkup said so. Maybe my next medical checkup will say that I'm only 5'5". I don't think I'll like that, 'coz it will totally mess my BMI and I'd have to diet even more than I already have to.

Hayz. Whatever. Out.

Miss home already.

I Haven’t Met You Yet

Kagabi, ang super saya ko to the nth maximum level. Hyper mode ito. The reason? Simple lang… binigyan ako ng ka-officemate ko ng kopya noong song ni Michael Buble na "Haven't Met You Yet". I so love that song right now!

Actually, dalawa yung song na binigay niya sa akin. 'Yung isa ay "the man who can't be moved" na saksakan ng emo. Tungkol ito sa isang guy na nagpaka-bum kasi nagkahiwalay sila noong mahal niya. Umaasa siya na maawa sa kanya yung girl at balikan siya. Haler?! Kapag ba naging bum ang ex-boyfriend mo, babalikan mo?! Nairita lang ako dun sa guy. Fine, fine… endless love ang meron ka, pero magtrabaho ka… Girls generally don't find idiocy attractive.

Anyway, pagkatapos ko pakinggan yung song na yun, tinanong ko ung friend ko kung meron nga siya noong "Haven't Met You Yet" ni Michael Buble. Champion! Isang box! Meron! Kaya hayun… noong nakuha ko yung song, waging-wagi na ang araw ko.

Pag-uwi ko, nandun na ang aking oh-so-fun roomie na si Ate Rovy. Kung gaano ako kasaya, ganun naman siya kalungkot. Noong Saturday pa siya malungkot kasi nag-short circuit yung adapter ng laptop niya kaya hindi niya matake-advantage ang libreng wifi sa apartment namin. Kahit anong gawin ko para pasayahin siya, wa epek. Panahon daw para mag-grieve para dun sa adapter. Kaya dapat malungkot. Nag-quote pa ng Bible verse! "There's a time for everything…" ng Ecclesiastes. Ang saya-saya!

So anyway, kagabi, dahil hyper ako, I totally ignored her misery. After we greeted each other 'hello', plug ko na ung phone ko sa speaker sabay play noong aking theme song for upcoming Valentine's Day. With a happy happy face, tumingin ako sa kanya, sabay sabing "Ate Rovy! Pakinggan mo 'to. Alavet!"

Natuwa naman siya sa upbeat na intro noong song. Noong narinig niya yung lyrics ng chorus, na-gets na niya kung bakit gustong-gusto ko yung song.

"Ay… parang yung binasa mo sa akin na sulat mo…" wika ni Ate Rovy.

Napangiti ako. Tuwing Valentines kasi (starting last year… haha), I write a love letter to the guy kahit na I haven't met him yet. That's kinda freaky and pathetic. But whatever. Walang basagan ng trip.

So anyway, yun… Here are some of the lines dun sa song that I so totally enjoy:

And I know that we can be so amazing

And being in your life is gonna change me

And now I can see every single possibility

Mmmm… (<< talagang dapat kasama 'yang line na 'yan!)

And someday I know it'll all turn out

And I'll work to work it out

Promise you, kid, I'll give so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet!

Oha! If you're a single person (especially if you're a girl), don't tell me na hindi ka naka-relate. Hindi nga? Eh ano ngayon?! Ako naka-relate! Kapeesh?!

Au revoir!

2010

I have just decided that I do not like this movie. And I haven't even watched the whole thing yet.

The reason I don't like it doesn't lie on its cinematographic value nor on its acting (good or bad – can't really tell, coz as I said, I haven't watched the entire movie yet) nor on its storyline.

The reason I don't like it is that I was able to catch scenes of the movie while on my daily bus ride from Ayala to Boni. And the scene with the bad guy (I assume he's a bad guy, because one of the good girls flipped a finger at him and he died in the end – albeit in a very heroic manner) and his two boys staring at the closing "ship/Noah's-ark-wannabe" – that scene – made me cry.

2010 made me look completely stupid, blubbering over that scene. That's why I don't like this movie.

At least, it gave me a moral lesson - It made me realize that people we don't like… someone likes them. Someone loves them. They're worth something. They're worth giving a second chance to. In the end of the world, they're probably still worth saving. Or not.

Ugh. I don't like this movie.

Ako ay Pilipino Book Debuts Message of Radical Hope at Ortigas Center Rock Gig

Just received the following email from my fellow Ako Ay Pilipino teammates:

Ako ay Pilipino, together with well-loved Pinoy bands clasp hands to bring inspiration through music, poetry, and art that kindle Filipino pride, nationalism, and radical hope on February 2, 2010, 7:00 p.m. at 6UG Pearl Drive, Ortigas Center Pasig City.

The theme will be "'Mahal Mo Ba Ako?' ~ Pilipinas," a Valentine's celebration that is "makabayan-style." Music artists like Salamin, Hilera, Mayonnaise and Gloc 9 will rev up the place with music that rouses patriotism, hope, and call to action. In between sets, there will be short and crisp previews of what is inside the book "Ako ay Pilipino: Noon at Ngayon" and inspirational challenges from prominent personalities.

The recently published coffee-table book, "Ako ay Pilipino Noon at Ngayon" has been many times praised by its critics (including 700 Club Asia) for conveying a timely message of "why I should be proud of my Identity and Destiny as a Filipino," all done employing cutting edge design and creative non-conventional writing style. The book will soon be released through leading bookstores nationwide.

Enlarged sample spreads from the book will be displayed on huge walls at the concert's hall. There will also be provision of freedom boards to record the participants' messages for the nation.

Visit www.akoaypilipinongayon.com or contact Vanessa Vitrano through 0922.832.80.71 or vanessa.vitrano@gmail.com to avail concert tickets at P250/each.

That's February 2, 2010, 7:00 p.m. @ 6UG Pearl Drive, Ortigas Center Pasig City. See you there?!